Saying Goodbye
Saying Goodbye to my Husband Will
When he died, my husband Will Stewart and I had been married for 42 years. He was my friend, my brother, my husband and when I was out of my wits about cancer or whatever, he was my father. He was the only person in the world who could get me down off of the ceiling when I was not thinking clearly. He was very special and I will miss him very much.
Will was very special to many people. He was an Assistant Director in Los Angeles County’s Department of Public Social Services (DPSS). There, he supervised thousands of employees. He was an extraordinary leader and helped to develop many past and current administrators in the Department. He retired after 40 years of honorably recognized service.
Will had a stroke in 2021 but seemed to be progressing well. A fall three months later followed by a more serious fall in late 2022 started his downward spiral to death. He made it to his birthday, but was behaving so strange that it was obvious that he needed to go to emergency. He was in ICU for nearly a month but the doctors weren’t able to help him turn the corner to recovery. I visited Will at the hospital everyday he was hospitalized . It was horrible. Many of his doctors talked to me about comfort care which to my mind was them asking me to pull the plug. I refused the comfort care and asked them to continue to treat my husband. I did not believe he was sick enough to die or maybe I didn’t want to believe that he was that sick, but if he was I thought that Will and GOD would decide when it was time for him to go, not the doctors and certainly not me.
It was at this time that the poems started to come. Some thoughts were new and others were from the past touching on the same feelings of loss and fears I had when my father died and how as a child of nine my world was shaken and my life was changed. My thoughts traveled upward to the present as I realized that nearly all of my family members were gone and now Will was gone. The first poem identified my struggle with saying goodbye to my dear husband of 42 years.
Saying Goodbye
Saying Goodbye to Will (poem)
Saying goodbye to Will was so very hard to do.
I knew he was really sick but even so
I still wanted him to get well and to stay.
I prayed every day for death’s delay.
At the same time, I fought with myself to release him
And let him go away.
The hospital room was drab and had an antiseptic smell.
There were strange sounds coming from the machines
keeping Will alive and I hoped getting him well.
There was a constant beeping, buzzing, ticking and other patients crying out.
There was moaning and groaning, red lights flashing and
A really scary loud ringing of what I called the death bell
sending medical staff scurrying in and out and all about.
Please live I begged Will. I don’t want to be alone.
As the days passed though I finally saw that he was not just sick but suffering. And I realized the moans and groans I heard were coming from Will. I held his hand and told him that if he had to go and couldn’t stay , it would be alright. I would be okay. The message was sent and he went. Saying goodbye to Will was and still is the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Saying Goodbye
I cried for days after Will’s death. As I moved into the burial phase, The Morning Has Come poem started its rise in my mind. It seemed to direct me to an understanding that Will’s life was over and the celebration of his life couldn’t begin Until I let him go.
THE MORNING HAS COME (poem)
The morning has come Will
No more strain, no more pain upon your face.
The morrow has come
And all the sorrow has been erased.
The battle is done and the war you fought has been won.
The morning has come Will
The day is new, the air is rare and
Loved ones gone before are waiting over there
To welcome you. With hugs and smiles, they’ll lead the way On this your very special day.
The morning has come Will .
For you to fly.
Go with our love
No more tears, no more fears, no more asking why.
The morning has come with peace and as your spirit enters the heavens high
The morning has come Will
For us to say goodbye.
While the morning has come poem helped to ease my letting go, I still had deep sadness that would well up from time to time. Another poem began to emerge. It seemed to be helping me to accept the fact that Will was no longer here with me. I began to wonder what it was like in the afterlife and what was Will doing. The poem What Do The Angels Wear became front and center.
WHAT DO THE ANGELS WEAR (poem)
Will, what do the angels wear?
Do they really have wings and things, pretty white gowns,
halos and feather flings?
If there is anything you can share, please tell me what the
angels wear.
It has been a month and a day since you went away.
I can still smell your cologne when I’m in our room alone.
It is very hard you see for me to know that you have ceased to be.
I miss you so, I miss your smile and I miss your glow.
So, one night while I am fast asleep , to let me know that you still care, even over there
Whisper in my ear and tell me what the angels wear.
I found that acceptance that your loved one is no longer with you is not the end of grief. Sunday’s emptiness would bring tears up. Special celebration days and holidays would bring memories of our wonderful times together causing sadness and more tears,
The question that kept coming up was what do you do with the rest of your life.You can’t just sit around crying and mourning. The answer to this question came to me with the last poem.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE (poem)
What do you do with the rest of your life ?
How do you overcome the sadness and the strife
Of having lost loved ones day by day and night after night.
How do you get past being scared of being alone and way to weak to speak your fears through what seems to be never ending tears.
What do you do with the rest of your life?
You keep busy
You stay active with your family and friends
You help others
You do your very best everyday
And then you PRAY.
That’s what you do with the rest of your life. And every day that passes will bring healing And lessen the sadness you are feeling.
Will was a loving son, brother, father, grandfather and a devoted husband. It was indeed a pleasure to know him. Goodbye Will. Rest In Peace dear husband.
LOVE LORA
